Preventing Power Struggles with Music

Every parent and child relationship will inevitably face the dreaded power struggle at some point, and most likely many, many points along the child’s way to adulthood. The power struggle is when a parent wants one thing and the child wants the opposite. Each pushes against each other in opposite directions until the breaking point where someone gives in. Either the parent will bow to the child’s wishes and reward their negative behavior. Or the parent will hold strong and endure cries, tantrums, and possibly flailing on the floor in the middle of Target (not that this has happened to me ever ;). The ending of a power struggle never truly feels like a win, so if there are things you can do to avoid it altogether, that’s my vote.

Every child, every situation is different, but when you know your child and the types of things that trigger these power struggles, there are some things you can try to prevent them from even starting. These techniques are most effective in prevention and probably not if the power struggle has already escalated.

Play Music to Distract or Engage

Before power struggle triggers, put on some music to engage that little toddler brain and distract them from the issue that may cause a struggle. My two year old son hated being strapped into the car seat. This was one of those parenting things that is non-negotiable, he had to be seat-belted into a car seat. But, man, he would fight it. As I proceeded to position him in the car seat, he would straighten out his little body and hold it as stiff as he could so that it was impossible for me to get him belted in. This was a problem I was having on a daily basis and needed a solution. After trying a lot of different things, I learned that if I turned on the car first and started some music, this was enough to engage him and he would forget all about not wanting to sit in the car seat. Music can help with meal time issues, diaper changes, changing moods, and transitions.

Use Chants

This is a great one and probably my favorite because you can use them anywhere and in any circumstance and they are extremely effective. Again this is a distraction tool, engaging your child so that they are focused on something positive and not on the trigger. Chants are not only great for your child’s brain because they establish beat and rhyming language, but they can engage a child so that they are willing sit still for a diaper change, sit in a cart at the store, walk by a toy store without a fuss, or transition from one activity to the other (like the park to the car or bath to bed). Here is one of my favorite chants:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

First I caught a fish alive

6, 7, 8, 9, 10

Then I let it go again

Why did you let it go?

Because it bit my finger so

Which finger did it bite?

The little finger on my right.

To hear how I do this chant check out this video time stamped right where the chant begins.

Listen to Subtle Sounds in the Environment

Listen to Subtle Sounds in the Environment. Again another distraction tool. There are always interesting things to listen to in every situation. By pointing these things out to your child, you can tap into their natural curiosity and turn the tide to something positive. Maybe you hear an airplane, a car, a bird, a train, the wind rustling through the trees, a dog, water nearby, kids playing, footsteps, raindrops, the hum of a computer. Follow this up with questions about what your hearing and you can completely capture their attention. Like “What color do you think the bird is, do you think it’s blue or yellow or green? Do you think it’s a mama bird or a baby bird? I wonder if the mama bird has laid any eggs today. Someday those eggs will be baby birds. I wonder what they’ll sound like. Maybe they’ll sound like “cheep, cheep.” (Obviously with babies and toddlers, this may be a very one sided conversation with you answering most of your own questions, but all this language is great for their brains and their growing understanding of vocabulary). And meanwhile during this conversation, you’ve just walked by the path to the park that you don’t have time to head down today or you’ve passed the candy isle in the store.

Use Music to Structure Routines

Routines benefit toddlers in a variety of ways. Not only will they help provide security to your little toddler’s brain, but they also establish expectations, predictability, and habits. You can use music to signal the beginning or end of these routines. In class, we often sing a song with the lyrics “Bring the instruments back to me,” and that song signals to the children that it’s time to put the instruments away. Once that routine is established, the children hear that song and are extremely cooperative, bringing the instruments back without complaint. Music can be an easy signal that it’s time to transition to something else.

Power struggles are going to happen. But having a few more tools in your parenting toolbox that may prevent them is good all around. Hopefully these techniques will give you a few more positive things to try as you guide and nurture your child.